New Year's Resolution

I cringed every time the subject was brought up.  I childishly made faces at facebook posts on the topic.  I tried to keep a brave face.  I posted a link to a blog about how a mother resolved to feel beautiful and talk about that instead of weight, in order to show her daughter a healthy body image.  The problem is, I don't have a healthy body.  I have a heavy body.  A heavy body on a frame that didn't see 100 pounds until I was 18 years old.  I didn't see above 120 until I was 28.  Now, at 38 I'm a grotesque 168.  Or thereabouts.  I haven't actually gone near a scale in awhile.  And I'm pissed.  That's right, pissed.  There are those of you reading this right now smirking and thinking something like "well, she's obviously not pissed enough to do something about it." I've dealt with that attitude for the last three years.  And guess what? I HAVE tried doing something about it.  I got out there and started doing activities again.  Culminating in me training for, and running/finishing, two half marathons.  Last year, I trained really hard, and this is what I looked like at the end of it:

Ridiculous.  No runner should look like that, especially not after all the work I put in.  I am sick of being fat.  My Ob/Gyn was concerned when I did not lose baby weight, even after nursing my daughter for her first 12 months of life.  He sent me to my family doctor, who promptly told me to "stop eating so many hot dogs" (I don't eat hot dogs) and "be glad you aren't as fat as my wife."  I kid you not...the man actually said that.  I tried again with another doctor, this time a woman, she gave me a pitying smile and said something about my age.  Yet another suggested diet problems.  I do not drink soda, or any sugary drink.  I take my coffee without sugar.  I do not eat fast food.  We eat a reasonably balanced diet for a busy family.  I was getting a decent amount of exercise, running at least 2-3 miles a day, sometimes more.  I refuse to do a fad diet, or put my family through eating tofu and tree bark for months.  I am incapable of skipping meals/starving myself.  I even watched my calorie intake for two weeks out of curiosity, and discovered I rarely make it to 2000 calories per day, the calorie amount my husband researched out as a healthy amount for me.

I say all of this because I really do not want to start another year saying "this is the year I'll be skinny again."  I want a good resolution.  One that I can actually accomplish.  Every year for the past three I've finished a musical swearing it's the last one, that I refuse to be the fat girl on stage again.  This year I'm in a friend's wedding, and I really don't want to be the tubby bridesmaid ruining her pictures (it doesn't help that the rest of the wedding party is 10+ years younger and 50+ pounds lighter than me).  But most of all, I have a beautiful, beautiful daughter who deserves a happy, healthy Mommy.  Now I need to find the physician who is actually going to listen to me and work with me to get this fixed.  So maybe that's my resolution.  Not to lose weight, because I can't do that.  Not to be healthier, because we already are being quite healthy.  No.  My resolution is to get answers.  Even if there are no answers to be had. I'm going to drive some doctor nuts until we have exhausted all possibilities.  Then I will learn to be happy with the answers.  That's the best I can do right now. 


Anonymous said…
My husband has been a personal trainer for twenty years. The link below is to the best information he's come across during that time. Best wishes,

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